Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The End. The beginning.

Finally, FINALLY it's week 12 of The Artists Way.  Actually, chapter 12 is pretty good.  I'd lost faith for a few weeks.

So, here are my end-of-program affirmations:

- I feel like I deserve to be creative.
- I'm still having issues with my ideas not being "good enough" but I've realized that in order for me to truly make progress, my ideas have to be good enough FOR ME, and what I want to write/do/create, and screw everybody else.  I can't be creating with a market in mind because that's not creation.  I look at it this way: I want to write stories.  That's kind of like pretending, right? A lot of people get paid to pretend: actors, writers, musicians - everyone's got a persona.  But who else gets paid to pretend?  Hookers.  And I refuse to whore myself out for the sake of progress, because that's not creativity.
- I don't need to be a financial success to be a creative success.
- My family is not going to abandon me or hate me for being creative.  Truth be told, they'll be thrilled that I finally got off my ass and out of my own way.
- I WILL go crazy.  This was one of the negative things in chapter one, and I think it's true, but not in the way it was meant in chapter 1.  I will go crazy, but it's the crazy of being true to myself in a world that tells me to ignore myself and my needs in favor of a "greater good" that really, I will probably never see.

So yeah.  This has been interesting.  I am still not as good to myself as I should be, but it's a process, it's a journey, and I'm getting there. 

I realized this week that I come up with all these ideas for stories, but I never write them down because I think about how "the market" would receive them and I figure, eh, it's been done/ it's not good enough/ no one will like it/ I won't like it.

And then I realized that when I go to bed, every night, I tell myself stories - really, one story, that varies from day to week to month, but is always within the same basic framework.  Tiny snippets of story, scenes of interactions, of characters, of small situations set in sweeping worlds.  I never question these.  I've been doing this since I was 13 and I have never ONCE, in 14 years, questioned it.  You think THAT might be the true story, the one that's waiting patiently to make it onto the page?  The one that is so much a part of me that I tell it to myself every day? 

Yeah.  I think so too.  I'm gonna try writing THAT one down.

I think the thing that has scared me is that the story I tell myself is pretty epic.  WORLDS are involved.  Who am I to write about WORLDS?  Creation, destruction, epic struggles, decisions that change the future of an entire race, an entire planet?  Who am I, to dare to lay a hand on such a world?

That world's creator, that's who.  It's my toy, and now I'm going to play with it.  Boo ya.